Monday, October 23, 2006

Violence Breaks Out in the Republican War on Science!

Today the long-simmering Republican War on Science boiled over into open violence on the Texas-Mexico border. Armed with Russian made AK-47 assault rifles, 9 millimeter pistols (with hollowpoint bullets), and .45 caliber pistols Republican candidate for Oklahoma State Superintendent of Schools, Bill Crozier, and several unidentified men launched an assault on a Calculus textbook, an Earth Science textbook, several phonebooks, and discarded Language text books.

Republican Bill Crozier suggests that students can defend themselves from school shooters by using textbooks to stop bullets fired at them. “If elected” he promises that thick used textbooks will be placed at the ready under every school desk.”

In a move that further calls Mr. Crozier’s judgement into question, the entire episode was videotaped.

Mr. Crozier and colleagues narrate throughout the video. Mr. Crozier is heard to repeatedly ask his assistants to remind him how to say “Kalashnikov”, the name of the rifle.

Results are reported as they happen:

“The reason we’re doing this experiment is that at Fort Gibson a young people were shot in the back, a bullet did not penetrate his textbook.”

“The 9 mm hollowpoint did not go through the book.”

“The .45 caliber did not penetrate the book.”

In an attempt to replicate the successful .45 caliber experiment it was determined that the expert marksman firing from 15 feet away from the stationery target,... did not hit the book. Nor did the third shot, nor the fourth, the fifth however did fully penetrate an “Introduction to Language” textbook, but was stopped from completely penetrating a subsequent telephone book.

Mr. Crozier and colleagues were pleased with their findings.

Reactions to the video have varied:

Professor Paul Myers: "WTF?"

NRA Spokesman, Ted Nugent: "Since its founding the NRA has sought to "promote and encourage rifle shooting on a scientific basis," Mr. Crozier has clearly demonstrated the woeful inadequacy of the firearms available to the average American citizen. There is a clear need for higher caliber weapons with greater firepower so that law-abiding citizens can protect themselves. Think about it, what if you're in one a' them lib-..., librar-..., librareaseums! and a gunfight breaks out. You're gonna need a weapon that can penetrate through a stack six or eight books deep!

But how the hell do you miss a book from 15 feet? Idiot!"

Author and Journalist, Chris Mooney: "I believe what Dr. Myers is trying to say is, it's really great to see Republicans embrace the scientific method. Mr. Crozier made an observation: a student in a school shooting had a bullet lodged in the books in his back pack, it probably saved his life. He came up with a hypothesis: Maybe books can block bullets. He made a prediction: If I shoot a thick enough stack of books, they'll stop bullets. Then he tested the hypothesis by shooting the books. I hope that all Republicans running for office will similarly emrace the scientific method. More importantly, I hope they'll all videotape their experiments like Mr Crozier. Idiot!"

Angry Hunter, Dick: "Go Fuck yourself Crozier! If those textbooks fall into the wrong hands, a covey of quail could use them as cover. Then what are we gonna do?

Besides, this was a stupid idea anyway. Everybody knows if you wanna make the kill you gotta take the headshot. How are you gonna stop that? Have school kids keep their heads buried in text books all day? Idiot!"

Professor Paul Myers: "No, seriously. WTF??!"

Mr. Crozier's eloquent response to his critics was described by many political observers as down-right "Presidential":

"We need to look at protection of young people that sometimes people may think you are a little smarter than everybody else or a higher IQ or whatever," Crozier said. "They need to look at what the end result would be.
"This would be to protect the children in an immediate situation. This is something that any student, any classroom in the country could do immediately," he said.
Perhaps a better use for a used language textbook would be for the esteemed candidate for state superintendent of schools to take it home and read have someone read it to him.

I suppose this is better than the predictable Republican response on preventing gun violence: "If you want to stop school shootings, you've got to arm the students! If everyone has a gun, nobody'll shoot anyone because they know someone's gonna shoot them back!"

But it's gonna be a pain in the ass to dress little Billy up in his textbook armor every day before school and, unfortunately, an AK-47 at close range is able to penetrate both a calculus text book and a telephone book. Therefore we’re going to have to come up with another way to stop AK-47 bullets.

Hey! I know. Maybe we could just ban assault rifles?

Nahhh.... That’s just crazy talk!

Jesus Christ. I think we were safer when they were just wanted to burn books!

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Comments on "Violence Breaks Out in the Republican War on Science!"


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10/24/2006 11:24 PM) : 

At the beginning of the video,...

Did he forget to put the magazine in the AK-47? then he tries to fire it with no bullets, and then the other guy sneaks over and hands him the magazine?



Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10/25/2006 11:54 AM) : 

While the stupidities of this idea are too manifold to deal with exhaustively, I'll point out one that's especially egregious for a candidate for Superintendent of Schools. To paraphrase his plan: We should have textbooks under desks so that if a situation in which it might be helpful to have textbooks close at hand ever arose in the classroom (you know, like if someone was shooting at you. Let me know if you can think of any others!) we would have TEXTBOOKS in the CLASSROOMS! Brilliant!"
His theory raises a question best posed by one of the premier educationalizers of our era, George W. Bush: "Is our children learning?"


Blogger Pharma Bawd said ... (10/25/2006 4:02 PM) : 


Yeah, I really like the fact that they missed the book while shooting at it with the .45 three out of five times.

Kind of suggests this whole book shield thing won't be very effective against someone who's not aiming at the book. Or maybe it will...

Either way book body armor is obviously the way to go!


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