Saturday, September 02, 2006

An Urgent Message to Jesus' General

Dear General,

I was overjoyed to learn that you share my love and respect for spermatozoan Americans!

However, I must take issue with your plan to institute a blastocyst-American draft. As you know, both spermatozoan-Americans and blastocyst-Americans are patriotic freedom-loving folk. Though they’re willing to serve their country in times of need, they will not respond kindly to the sort of big government interference with their personal freedom that a draft would entail. In terms of a violation of their dignity as human beings and their personal autonomy you might as well commit the abomination of confining them to a condom.

Also, I feel that you have overlooked a matter of crucial importance. Even with the additional manliness your extra Y chromosome provides you, fully one quarter of all your squiggly troopers and blasto-commandos will be little girls. The female sex, even patriotic, God-fearing, squiggly troopers such as yours, are not prepared for the rigors of combat. Besides which, the presence of girls in a combat force would be bad for the morale of the blasto-commandos. Because of these considerations, I feel that it is imperative that your blasto-commando army should be composed of an all-volunteer force, screened for manliness.

In addition to ensuring the absolute manliness of the blasto-commando forces, a volunteer force could serve a dual purpose in helping to advance the rights of all blastocyst-Americans. Do you remember how this country originally spread Christian Values during the early days of the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution (GC3R)? That’s right! Love of freedom and respect for private property rights were not enough to encourage the first wave of American settlers to take back our God given land from the brown interlopers who had somehow gotten here before us. What was needed was the enticement of “40 acres and a mule”.

I suggest that we implement a similar program in order to encourage blasto-commando recruitment. The program, scaled to suit the needs of the selfless swimmers, would offer 4 millimeters (of Petri dish) and some medium to all spermatozoan and blastocyst-Americans who served four years under your command.

By the way, have you heard about Elizabeth Dole’s plan to seek out useless incubators (ie: women) to gestate embryonic Americans? Could this be a French plot to siphon off our blasto-commando forces? I suggest a study to assess whether the Senator’s program will have adverse effects on recruitment.

In closing, I draw your attention to this example of a valiant Christian Lady, here in the homeland, who identified and denounced a French plot to pose as Christians and infiltrate the GC3R. Thanks to her vigilance Our Leader has been able to prosecute these French spies for providing aid and comfort to, of all things, Cubans!

Yours in anticipation,

Pharma Bawd

The only blog inspired by a Bumper Sticker.

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